BSC Crossover: Queer Eye for Kristy

Parody of Baby-Sitters Club book cover, with "Crossover" under the log in yellow letters, titled, "Queer Eye for Kristy"

[This is a script from an as yet unaired episode of Queer Eye Season 4.5 on Netflix]

INT. FAB FIVE MOBILE – DAY
The Fab Five drive along in their Fab-Mobile, per usual. JONATHAN is draped in a very fashionable bedsheet. ANTONI wears a shirt with an arbitrary list of names. KARAMO exudes paradoxical masculinity in a sequined motorcycle jacket. BOBBY is Bobby, wearing Bobby clothes because he will be renovating a space in one week and who cares what he’s wearing? TAN’s short-sleeved button-down shirt (subtly printed with tiny dolphins riding motorcycles) is French tucked. We can’t see it, because it’s out of shot, obviously, but to be clear: it is.

JONATHAN
(with glitter)
So before we head to Philly, we’re making a quick stop in Stonybrook, Connecticut.

ANTONI
Stonybrook. That sounds so idyllic.

JONATHAN
I know, right?! Like we’ll be greeted by woodland creatures and frolic through meadows while we’re there.

KARAMO
Just no more fucking farms.

He looks off into the distance, like a brooding war veteran. We hear faint sounds of sheep bleating, and he winces.

TAN
So, today we’re going to meet a young lady, Kristy Thomas. She’s lived in Stonybrook her entire life and was nominated by her best friend, Mary Anne.

INT. MARY ANNE’S LIVING ROOM.
Mary Anne, a petite soccer mom, sits on her living room couch, looking soulfully at the camera.

MARY ANNE
Kristy has been my best friend since we were in diapers. And for the entire time I’ve known her, she’s put about as much attention into her appearance as she did when she was a toddler. 

INT. GYM 
KRISTY coaching a personal training client at her gym. She is short, with her long brown hair pulled into a messy ponytail with a kinesio tape headband. Her clothes are made entirely cotton and elastic, but not in a way that is culturally deemed attractive– they’re the type of clothes that your younger, high-school self would have asked your father not to wear when you had friends over. 

MARY ANNE (V.O.)
She has this gym that she’s put her entire life into starting up, and it’s going great, been super successful. 

INT. MARY ANNE’S LIVING ROOM – DAY

MARY ANNE
But her personal life.
(She shakes her head in confusion.)
She’s such a great, interesting, strong person. But she continues to spend her weekends and clubs and date women that are, like, 15 years younger than her. Nobody she can settle down with. And she’s said that’s what she wants, anytime she breaks up with someone, but then…
(sighs)

INT. FAB FIVE MOBILE – DAY

JONATHAN
Kristy just moved in with Mary Anne to help out with Mary Anne’s kids because Mary Anne recently became a single mom. That’s so sweet! She’s ready to settle down, she just needs some help going in the right direction. The three-year anniversary for opening her gym is coming up, and Kristy would like our help to create a more polished, mature version of herself.

EXT. GYM – DAY
The Fab-Mobile pulls up to a giant, crumbling warehouse with a decrepit plastic banner hanging over the entrance. It reads, GYM.

KARAMO
This is cool…

BOBBY
(under his breath)
Is it, though?

INT. GYM – TIME IS IRRELEVANT BECAUSE THERE ARE NO WINDOWS
A fluorescent-lit wonderland filled with a variety of contraptions that could probably kill a man in six ways. We see Kristy half kneeling beside a client, who whimpers through pushups. At the edge of the screen, we see MONICA, a small, drop-dead gorgeous Latina woman, slightly older than jailbait, hovering and staring at the Fab Five. They do not notice her.

KRISTY
(yelling)
YES. GO. GO. GO.

The client whimpers and collapses on the ground. The Fab Five swarm Kristy.

TAN
Kristy Thomas?

KRISTY
(suspiciously)
Uh. Yeah?

TAN
Do you know who we are?

KRISTY
Yes…

TAN
So you know why we’re here?

KRISTY
Not really.

The Fab Five look at each other uncertainly. Tan puts on a million-dollar smile.

TAN
Well, you’re friends nominated you for a makeover.

KRISTY
(unamused)
They did.

JONATHAN
So this is YOUR gym? You started this?

KRISTY
(a little less peeved)
Yeah.

JONATHAN
How fabulous. So you’re an entrepreneur.

A small smile plays on Kristy’s lips. Jonathan notices and sidles in, one hand fluttering against his chest, eyes wide with awe.

JONATHAN
Your friends’ nomination said you started your first business at TWELVE.

KRISTY
Yeah. The Baby-Sitters Club. We were like the Uber for babysitting. But, you know, you called a phone number, since there weren’t smartphones.

JONATHAN
That’s amazing. 

KRISTY
(still concerned)
So my friends think I need a makeover?

JONATHAN
Oh, honey girl, no. They think you work so hard to grow your business, and to help out your friends, that you need to give yourself some TLC. That’s all. 

Kristy still looks skeptical.

KRISTY
I mean, I feel like there are probably other people out there who need this more.

The Fab Five stand there awkwardly. This isn’t going as planned. Monica still hovers in the background.

TAN
Everybody deserves self care. Think of this as a chance to treat yourself.

KRISTY
I take care of myself!

BOBBY
But aren’t there some things about yourself that you wish were just a little bit… better?

KRISTY
No.

ANTONI
Really? Nothing?

Kristy crosses her arms across her chest and leans away from them.

KRISTY
Not a thing.

More looks between the Fab Five. Karamo starts nodding.

KARAMO
Okay. I hear you. But think of it this way. We give you this makeover. You get some free stuff, a new haircut–

KRISTY
But I don’t really NEED any of that.

Karamo holds up one finger– just wait. He lowers his voice, so it’s almost imperceptible on film.

KARAMO
Your friends said you wanted to celebrate your gym’s anniversary at the end of the week. 

KRISTY
Oh, yeah, but I was just thinking some pumpkin beer and, like, nachos.

KARAMO
That’s cool. It can still be a chill event. BUT. Why not use this as an opportunity to get the word out about your business.

Kristy nods. Okay. Now someone’s speaking her language.

KARAMO
You see the episode with the Jones sisters? The ones with the barbecue joint?

KRISTY
Yeah, of course.

KARAMO
Their barbecue sauce is being nationally distributed now. They made over $75,000 within a few weeks of their episode airing. For barbecue sauce. Think of what you could do: Franchising. Workout videos. Exercise equipment. 

Kristy nods more. 

KRISTY
Okay. Yeah. I’m game. 

Karamo grins and claps on her shoulder. 

KARAMO
Great!

In the background, Monica casually creeps closer, so she’s now standing amidst the Fab Five.

KRISTY
Cool.

ANTONI
So we’d like–
(He notices Monica, who is maybe two inches from his elbow, and jumps.)
Oh, hello.

MONICA
Hey…

Everybody looks at Kristy for an introduction.

KRISTY
This is Monica. One of my employees.

Monica scowls.

ANTONI
Oh, cool. Is there anything we should know about Kristy?

MONICA
(shrugs haughtily)
How should I know? I’m just an employee.

JONATHAN
(claps his hands together)
Well, I’m interested in seeing where you live. Is anyone else?

KARAMO
(briskly)
Yeah. Let’s go.

INT. MARY ANNE’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – DAY
Kristy leads the Fab Five into the house. They look around, taking in their surroundings. It looks quite house-like: there are walls, furniture, even floors.

Jonathan gaze falls on something off screen, and he freezes.

JONATHAN
(looking off screen)
Oh. Em. Gee. Who. Are. You?

Camera pans over. He is clearly besotted by CLAUDIA, a funky Japanese-American woman who wears a shark onesie and combat boots, her hair in a side ponytail. Claudia holds out a hand, coyly. Jonathan grabs it between both of his.

JONATHAN
Will you run away with me?

Claudia giggles. The two frolic out the door. 

Awkward silence while everybody looks at one another, trying to figure out what just happened. Finally, Tan sighs and shrugs. 

TAN
Uh, so. Why don’t we get started?

ANTONI
But first, what was up with that Monica chick?

KARAMO
Hey, it’s my job to ask the hard-hitting emotional questions.

ANTONI
Right. Sorry.

KARAMO
(to Kristy)
Yeah, so what was up with that?

KRISTY
She and I, uh.
(gives stiff grin and shrugs)

KARAMO
So you guys dated?

KRISTY
Not really dated, per se…

MARY ANNE
(from the corner of the room)
They dated. Are dating. Kristy just won’t acknowledge it in public.

KARAMO
Ah. And why is that?

KRISTY
Aren’t you guys supposed to be trying on my clothes or eating my food or something?

KARAMO
(calculating)
Okay. We’ll put a pin in it.

INT. KRISTY’S BEDROOM – MOMENTS LATER
Generic bedroom: Bed with plain blue comforter, art deco furniture from a thrift store, a single framed photo of Megan Rapinoe doing a sport thing on the wall. 

Tan peeks into Kristy’s drawers, poking one hand in tentatively. He withdraws a pair of VERY worn basketball shorts and holds them up. When he gets a whiff, he drops them immediately and surreptitiously wipes his hand on his pants. 

TAN
So your friends say your entire wardrobe is hand me downs from your older brothers.

Kristy fidgets nervously and avoids eye contact with him.

KRISTY
Of course not!
(pause)
I mean. They’re both like 6’4”.  
(pause)
I got these from my stepbrother, Andrew.

TAN
Now, I am all for reduce, reuse, recycle, but perhaps we can find some clothes that are, say, in better condition, and more appropriately sized. For instance–
(He points at his shoulder.)
Typically, you want to have your shoulder seam around the edge of your shoulder. 
(Indicates the shoulder seam on Kristy’s t-shirt, which falls in the middle of her bicep)
Do you see how this might be a touch too big for you?

KRISTY
I thought 90s fashion was coming back. I remember a lot of baggy clothes.

TAN
Yes. For teenagers it is. You are how old?

KRISTY
(quietly)
37.

TAN
Now, I’m not saying we can’t add some 90s flair to your wardrobe, but I’d like to help you find a way to do it in an age-appropriate manner.

KRISTY
Okay… 

TAN
Great! So what do you wear when you’re not at the gym?

Kristy looks at her feet.

TAN
Do you have jeans?

Kristy brightens. 

KRISTY
YES!

She digs into one of the drawers and pulls out a single pair of jeans. From the knees up, they look okay. The bottom three inches have darkened with dirt and grime, and the back half of the hems are scraggly from being stepped on.

TAN
So are these a little long for you?

KRISTY
(shrugs)
I mean, I’m really short. 

TAN
Right. I totally get that. But, it only takes a few dollars, and you can get your jeans tailored to the right length for you, and they’ll last so much longer because you won’t be stepping on the hems all the time.

KRISTY
I’ve had these seven years, though. How long am I supposed to keep jeans?

Tan opens and closes his mouth, speechless. He rubs one cheek with his hand, perplexed.

INT. LIVING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER
The remainder of the five look at one another. 

ANTONI
Grooming is next, right?

KARAMO
Yeah, but… Where is Jonathan?

EXT. COURTYARD – DAY
Jonathan, now wearing a penguin onesie, his hair in a side ponytail to match Claudia’s, sips tea with his new BFF in a garden courtyard, a tray of finger sandwiches and scones between them. They laugh like they are having the best times of their lives.

INT. LIVING ROOM
Antoni, Karamo, and Bobby looking questioningly at each other. Antoni shrugs.

ANTONI
I guess I can talk to her next. 

INT. KITCHEN – MOMENTS LATER
Antoni peers through the cabinets, sniffing bottles. He finds a bag of Goldfish crackers and eats a few. He wrinkles his nose– gross.

KRISTY
Uh, yeah. Those must be really old. Mary Anne’s son doesn’t eat gluten, so she got rid of most of the snacks that contain it.

Antoni nods and grabs a glass of water. 

ANTONI
Yeah. I didn’t know Goldfish crackers could get moldy.

He returns to looking for snacks.

ANTONI
So, like, what do you normally eat?

KRISTY
Um. A lot of protein shakes. With this stuff Monica got me into. 

She pulls a container of BioNom protein powder off the top of the fridge. Antoni opens it, sniffs, and scoops out a fingerful, which he sticks in his mouth. 

ANTONI
(mouth full of powder)
I -ess i ase edder i a smoozie?

KRISTY
Uh. Yeah. I mix it with some fruit, maybe some spinach if I need some greens.

Antoni nods as  he drinks more water.

ANTONI
Okay. Not bad. So that’s your breakfast?

KRISTY
(shrugs, nods)
Yeah. Usually. Sometimes lunch or dinner, depending on my schedule.

ANTONI
Cool. And what do you eat for your other meals?

KRISTY
Um. You know those bagged salad mixes? Sometimes part of one of those with some precooked chicken. And Chipotle. I eat a lot of Chipotle.

ANTONI
Do you cook?

KRISTY
(shrugging)
Not really.

ANTONI
So you subsist off protein shakes, salads with chicken, and Chipotle?

KRISTY
Yup.

ANTONI
Do you think that’s enough to support your active lifestyle?

KRISTY
(shrugs, yet again)
I mean, the meth gives me energy.

ANTONI
The… meth?

KRISTY
Methamphetamine.

Now Antoni is speechless. Kristy’s face breaks out in a grin, and she slaps his shoulder, but a little too hard. He flinches back in pain.

KRISTY
I’m just joshing with you!

ANTONI
Oh. Okay. 
(forced laughter, then through clenched teeth)
Addiction jokes. So funny.

The two stare at each other awkwardly until the camera cuts away to–

INT. LIVING ROOM
Karamo pulls out his cell phone.

KARAMO
Siri, call Jonathan.

IPHONE
Calling. Jonathan.

INT. MANSION ROOM – DAY
Claudia and Jonathan enter a large, mostly empty room in a Victorian-style mansion. Jonathan’s cell phone RINGS, but he pulls it out and silences it. In one corner, there is a wooden wardrobe. The two look at each other and shrug, then go and open the door. Claudia pushes back some fur coats, and her eyes go wide. She steps inside, and disappears. Jonathan follows her.

INT. LIVING ROOM
Karamo sighs and puts his phone back in his pocket. He plops down on an armchair. Kristy enters, and he waves a hand at the couch.

KARAMO
Have a seat.

Kristy lies down, hands folded on her chest.

KARAMO
So what’s going on with this Monica chick?

KRISTY
Oh, she’s just a friend.

Karamo raises his eyebrows, but says nothing.

KRISTY
Aren’t we supposed to be helping me as a business person? Can we stick to that?

KARAMO

I’m here to help you in whatever way you need. 
(pause) 
And your business seems to be doing pretty well.

Kristy sits up and claps her hands.

KRISTY
Great. Then we can skip this! I’m ready for my hair cut!

KARAMO
Slow your roll, missy.

Kristy gives a huffy sigh and collapses back on the couch.

KARAMO
So Monica.

KRISTY
We’re dating. Fine. It’s just a touchy matter, since she’s my employee.

KARAMO
Yeah, I get that. Do you like being with her?

KRISTY
I mean, yeah. Of course. She’s really caring. And did you see that ass?

Karamo raises his eyebrows.

KRISTY
Oh. Right. Not your thing. 
(pause)
Say. Why aren’t there any lesbians in your team? Or, like, trans people?

KARAMO
(pensively)
You know, I don’t know. I think Netflix was just trying to reproduce what worked in the original season as best as possible.
(pause)
Jonathan is nonbinary.

KRISTY
Oh, yeah, I can totally see that. The Jonathan thing, I mean. I never watched the original show.
(eyes widen)
Except for that episode where they made that guy wear flocked floral jeans!  Did you see that? I wonder if that dude ever wore those jeans again after that episode.

KARAMO
I think we’re getting a little off topic here. 
(leans in)
Do you often deflect when you’re talking about emotions?

KRISTY
(quietly) 
Maybe.

KARAMO
So you like Monica because she’s caring and has a nice ass.

KRISTY
I mean, she’s funny, too. And she’s a Sox fan. 

KARAMO
Okay, good. All solid… ish…  reasons.

KRISTY
(hesitates)
I told my friends that I don’t break up with her because I don’t want to run into legal implications. But, I mean. I know they don’t like her. She’s a handful. She gets really jealous and doesn’t always act out in the best ways.

KARAMO
But you do care about her?

KRISTY
(hesitates)
Yeah.

KARAMO
Then that’s what matters. Your friends will get on board when they see you’re happy. But, in the meantime, jealousy is hard to deal with. It can make or break a relationship. 
(meaningful pause)
So, my next question is… are you doing everything you can to make her feel like she can trust you?

KRISTY
(sighs)
No.

Karamo nods. Of course he knows that. He knows everything. But, sadly, we can’t all be Karamo.

KRISTY
I don’t want to just spend my life jumping from girl to girl, you know? Like, if she and I break up, then I’ll just have to go out and date a bunch more people. And it’s exhausting. 

KARAMO
So you’re staying with her because you don’t like the alternative?

KRISTY
No! I do really like her. I do want to see where this goes.

KARAMO
So maybe you need to have your conversation with your friends about how you feel about this relationship.
(pause)
And, more importantly, one with Monica.

KRISTY
(big sigh)
Yeah. I guess.
(pause)
Now can I get my haircut?

INT. BATHROOM – A LITTLE LATER
A bathroom with a festive fish shower curtain and adorable bubble wallpaper. Children’s detangler and bubble-gum flavored mouthwash sit by the sink. It does not look like an adult has used this bathroom in ages.

Karamo and Kristy stand in the bathroom, which is far too cramped for them and the cameraperson. 

KARAMO
So tell me about your normal routine for getting ready.

KRISTY
Are you really the right person for this?

KARAMO
(Slightly offended, but trying to be magnanimous.)
I mean, we aren’t really sure where Jonathan went.

INT. UNDERGROUND CAVE SYSTEM – UNCLEAR ON TIME. IT IS POSSIBLE OUR HEROES HAVE LEFT THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM.
Claudia and Jonathan have found themselves in… a cave? One corner holds a giant compost heap. Very strange.  A couple RATS skitter past. They stop and stare at the intruders, gasp, and run away. Wait, those aren’t normal rats. Are they…? Muppets?

A moment later, a yellow FRAGGLE with a mop of orange hair on his head, wearing a Hawaian-print shirt, sees the humans. He jumps up, screams, and runs back out the archway he had entered through.

Suddenly, the COMPOST HEAP gives a groan and lurches. 

COMPOST HEAP
Who’s there?

Claudia and Jonathan jump and run back out of the cave.

INT. BATHROOM – MOMENTS LATER

KARAMO
Anyway.
(Motions at his literally perfect facial features.)
This takes work.

KRISTY
(Skeptical.)
Does it? Because it kind of seems like, unless you got plastic surgery, that’s genetics, which is the opposite of work.

KARAMO
(To someone off screen)
I told you!

CUT TO: Karamo has been replaced by Antoni.

ANTONI
Okay, so, today I’m going to show you how to make a super moisturising mask with just a few items from your kitchen. 

He holds up an avocado and a chef’s knife. A cutting board and a bowl balance on the sink’s edge. Kristy nods– she’s game.

ANTONI
So, first, you’re going to cut around the pit of the avocado. You pull the pieces apart…
(He does so, setting the half without the pit on the cutting board.)
Then you just whack the center of the pit with the knife, like so.
(He removes the pit, and sets the knife down.)
Now you can scoop out the avocado with spoon…
(He scoops it into the bowl, and has Kristy add the other half.)
Great, now for some extra creaminess, we’ll add a couple spoons of Greek yogurt. This adds a little protein, and keeps the avocado from going brown.
(Pauses, as he listens to muffled direction off screen.) 
Oh, and the acidity will restore the pH of your skin which helps with making it look young and skin-like.

Kristy looks skeptically to her side. Is this true? She shrugs: Hell if she knows.

ANTONI
So now we’re going to chop up a tomato and an onion…

KRISTY
Are we making guacamole?

ANTONI
We’re making an avocado face mask.

KRISTY
With the same ingredient list as guacamole.

CUT TO: Bobby has taken Antoni’s place. He holds a saw in one hand.

Kristy and Bobby look at the camera with WTF expressions.

BOBBY
Do you want me to tell her how to groom her beard?

CUT TO: Tan has taken Bobby’s place.

TAN
(directed off screen)
Shouldn’t I have been the first one you guys asked? You know, fashion… Appearance… Grooming…

Tan sighs and eats a chip and guacamole.

TAN
So, tell me about your normal routine for getting ready.

KRISTY
(shrugging)
I don’t know. I get up. I shower if I have time, or sometimes I just do it after I workout. Oh!
(excited)
I really like this stuff. 
(picks up the children’s detangler)
It makes my hair so easy to comb.  And it smells like strawberry Starburst!

She spritzes some in the air. Tan raises his eyebrows. It does, in fact, smell like strawberry Starburst.

TAN
So you wash your hair with?…

KRISTY
Pert Plus.

TAN
Pert Plus?

KRISTY
Yeah, like 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner?

TAN
(astonished)
They still MAKE that?

KRISTY
(Quietly.) 
Yes?

Bobby sticks his head in. His hair is covered in… ship lap? No, wait. That’s Fixer Upper. Wrong show. Something construction-y is in his hair. 

BOBBY
DUDE. Even I know not to use that shit.

KRISTY
But it’s so convenient!

TAN
Okay, so, you’re very efficient. Anything else in your morning routine? Moisturizer? Sunblock? 

KRISTY
Deodorant!

TAN
Great. That’s… great.
(smiles encouragingly)

They stare at each other in silence.

KARAMO (O.S)
Maybe you guys should go shopping now!

KRISTY
But don’t I need to talk to Bobby about decorating or something?

Bobby sticks his head in. He is now completely covered in white powder, like a snowman. 

BOBBY
Nah. I’m good. I know what I’m going to do.

KRISTY
Oh. Okay. I guess?

INT. POSH BOUTIQUE – DAY

Tan and Kristy walk into a store filled with artfully displayed clothing, all probably made of organic something or other. The word “clearance” probably have never been spoken within these four walls.

TAN
So this is a shop for petite women. I wanted to show you how you can elevate your look to a bit more age-appropriate style by getting clothing that’s the correct size for you.

He leads her to a rack of jeans.

TAN
For instance, these jeans come in a variety of inseam lengths, so you can find one that will hit right at your ankle. 

KRISTY
(nodding)
Cool. Cool.

She looks at a price tag. 

KRISTY
HOLY BEJEEZUS. $120?
(pause)
Didn’t you guys used to go to Target or something? What happened to that?

TAN
Netflix realized this show was going to make them a lot of money, so we got a budget big enough to buy tasteful things.

KRISTY
Oh. Damn.

TAN
And we’re paying for it. You do get that we’re paying for all this, right?

KRISTY
My other jeans cost me $15! It seems like such a waste to spend more.

TAN
But these are a classic pant that are really well made. Think about how long these will last you. It really is an investment. 

KRISTY
My old jeans lasted me seven years!

TAN
Okay.
(pause)
You know, let’s just come back to that later.

He leads her to another rack.

TAN
Now, as far as tops go…

He pulls out something with a minor amount of ruffles. Kristy looks appalled. He carefully returns it to the rack, then pulls out a button-down with tiny pink polka dots. 

TAN
Okay. How about this? A little more structured, but then the polka dots give it a bit of whimsy and interest. 

KRISTY
Eh. Kind of flashy.

Tan nods patiently and returns it to the rack. He pulls out a blue button down. Very plain. 

TAN
This?

KRISTY
I don’t know about the buttons. They’re a lot of work. Can we look at some polos? 

TAN
(deadpan)
Yes. Let’s head over to the nearest Golf Pro Warehouse.

KRISTY
(quietly)
I’ll wear the blue button down.

TAN
You know, how about I choose some clothes for you, and you try them on?

KRISTY
Yeah. Let’s do that.

INT. DRESSING ROOM
Tan waits primly near a three-way mirror, a dressing room a few feet away. The door opens, and Kristy emerges, wearing jeans and a t-shirt saying, “Craft Beer.” The clothes fit. Kristy’s eyes widen as she sees herself in the mirror. She spins around.

KRISTY
Holy crap. I have an ass.

Tan smiles. Things are finally going his way.

TAN
Yes you do!  See how well-fitting clothes can accentuate your assets?

Kristy runs back into the dressing room, then emerges a few seconds later. She hands a quarter to Tan and bends over. 

KRISTY
Here. I want you to bounce that off my butt.

TAN
What?

KRISTY
I know, I know. I’m supposed to do it without pants, but this doesn’t seem like that kind of show.

TAN
Why don’t I show you how to French tuck your shirt to make you look longer and leaner?

KRISTY
(deflated)
Yeah. Okay.

She stuffs the front hem of her shirt into her pants. 

KRISTY
There. French tuck. Boom. I’m now 5’10”.

Tan looks taken aback. She knows that trick already? He tries to remain unphased.

TAN
The one other thing I wanted to point out was that I gave you sneakers, but they’re clean and have a bit more modern style. 

ZOOM IN on SNEAKERS. They are literally just Keds, but with a couple extra zeroes added to the pricetag. ZOOM OUT. Kristy raises herself on her toes, then lifts her toes off the ground, balancing on her heels.

KRISTY
These don’t really have any cushioning or arch support. 

TAN
Oh. Yeah. That’s a good point. I suppose you could add an insole for that?

KRISTY
(scratching her head)
Yeah. I guess. 

Tan takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. After a moment, he opens them, smiles, and pulls a blazer off the rack. He holds it out to Kristy and she puts it on, manner like a sulky tween. She has now looked at clothes longer than she has over the rest of her life combined.

TAN
Now, if you just put this blazer on over top, you can elevate the look to something you can wear to an evening event.

Kristy nods. She does not look particularly enamored with the look.

TAN
Can you see yourself wearing this? Maybe on a nice date night, or out with your friends?

KRISTY
No.

TAN
No?

KRISTY
Yeah, no.
(pause)
What? Do you want me to lie to you? Sure. I’ll wear this ALL the time.

TAN covers his face with his hands.

INT. MARY ANNE’S KITCHEN – LATER
Kristy, back in her normal clothes, and Antoni now stand in the kitchen. In front of them are a bowl, a cutting board, some avocados, a tomato, some Greek yogurt, an onion, and a lime. 

ANTONI
So, I know you love Chipotle…

KRISTY
Are we making guacamole again?

Antoni hangs his head. 

INT. MARY ANNE’S LIVING ROOM – ABOUT THE SAME TIME
Karamo dials on his cell phone, holding it forward so the camera can hear the speaker. 

JONATHAN’S VOICEMAIL
Hey, girlfriend! This is J. V. N. I can’t talk right now, but leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as I can, mmmkay?

Karamo sighs and hangs up.

EXT. MORDOR – THE DARKEST OF NIGHTS
Jonathan and Claudia emerge from a rocky cave. PAN OUT to show MOUNT DOOM, covered in LAVA and ORCS. The GIANT EYE OF SAURON opens above them. Jonathan and Claudia look at each other, panicked, then scuttle back into the cave.

EXT. WOODS – DAY
Karamo and Kristy emerge from the Fab-Mobile at the edge of a wooded area. 

KRISTY
So we’re going for a hike?

KARAMO
(slyly)
Oh, you’ll see.

The two follow a few paths and emerge in a clearing with a ropes course. 

KRISTY
Sweet!  I have no clue why we’re doing this, but AWESOME!
(pause)
Do you think I should add a ropes course to my gym? You’re so right. That would be AWESOME.

KARAMO
(handing her a helmet and harness)
Well, I have some other plans for you. 
(waves a hand in the direction of some of the trees)
Come on out.

Monica emerges from behind a tree, wearing all the ropes course safety gear. She gives a tiny wave to Kristy.

KARAMO
So, after talking a bit about your relationship, I thought it sounded like you guys really need to learn to trust one another and begin seeing each other as a team rather than–
(pointed look at Kristy)
Just a booty call.

Kristy nods vigorously, then looks at Monica meaningfully.

KRISTY
Yeah, okay. I can do that.

Monica beams. The two grab hands. 

KARAMO
Okay, come on.

He leads them to a long log that is suspended about two feet off the ground by cables at each end, like a giant swing. 

KARAMO
So we’re going to start easy, with this low-ropes element. I want you both to climb on here at either end, stand up, and stay on it for TEN seconds.

KRISTY
Ten seconds? Easy peasy.

Monica just continues to smile, ecstatic that her relationship is being recognized on national television.

Kristy kneels down to give her a boost up onto the log.

KRISTY
(chivalrously)
M’lady–

Monica puts a foot in Kristy’s proffered hand and climbs atop the log. She uses the cable on one end to pull herself to standing, then squats a bit to keep herself steady. Kristy waggles her eyebrows at Karamo.

KRISTY
Didn’t think about how this would go with a couple people who’ve devoted their life to fitness, did you?

Karamo shrugs.

KARAMO
Let’s see. You get up now.

Kristy goes to the other end, plants her hands on the log, and hoists herself up. The movement jostles the log, so Monica immediately loses her footing and falls off.

Kristy smacks her forehead.

KRISTY
God. Sorry, babe. 

She attempts to shuffle towards Monica. 

KRISTY
Let me help you up. 

MONICA
No, no, I’ve got it.

She pulls herself up more gently, but as she stands up, she wobbles, causing the log to move, and Kristy falls off.

KRISTY
MOTHER FUCKER.

She glances at Karamo, who just shrugs. 

KRISTY
Okay, let’s do this. We both sit on the log, then both get to a squatting position, then both stand. Does that make sense?

MONICA
(nodding)
Yeah, definitely

The two get onto either end of the log. 

KRISTY
Okay, let’s get up to squatting.

They get to their feet, hands clutching the log. They make eye contact.

KRISTY
Okay, ready to stand?

Monica nods. The two attempt to stand, and fall off simultaneously, to opposite sides. Kristy yells with frustration.

KRISTY
(to Karamo)
This is impossible. You can’t stand up on either end. Not without something helping you.
(pause, dully)
God damn it. Is that the point?

KARAMO
Here’s a hint: You just have to get ON at opposite ends.

KRISTY
Oh.

MONICA
(to Kristy)
So we can get on, then kind of scootch over to each other, and get up together. 

Kristy nods. She’s game. They hoist themselves to sitting on the log, then shimmy over to each other on their bums. When they reach the middle, they grab one another’s arms and, extremely unsteadily, stand up. Once they’re up, they remain frozen, unbreathing, staring into each others’ eyes.

KARAMO
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.

Kristy throws her arms up with a yelp of excitement. They both fall to the ground, giggling. Kristy crawls over to Monica and gives her a long kiss.

KARAMO
So I think the metaphor here is pretty obvious. 

KRISTY
Ugh. Metaphors? What is this? English class?

KARAMO
There you go, deflecting again.

Kristy looks at her feet.

KARAMO
As long as you think of yourselves as separate individuals, you make things a lot harder for yourselves as a couple.

KRISTY
Yeah…

KARAMO
Monica, do you have anything you’d like to add?

Monica’s jaw trembles and she brushes a tear away.

MONICA
Just, like, treat me like a girlfriend. Your friends don’t take me seriously because all we do is get Chipotle and spend the night at your place. Because it doesn’t seem like YOU take me seriously.

Kristy nods. 

KRISTY
Okay, yeah. I get that.
(pause, then, slowly)
And I need you to maybe rein in your emotions a bit more. Trust me that when I’m with friends, I’m just with friends.

MONICA
(quietly) 
Sorry.

She starts crying now. Kristy pulls her in for a hug and holds her. After a moment, Monica pulls away and clears her throat.

MONICA
I never told you. My, um, last girlfriend. My fiance. She left me for one of her friends. 

She swallows back a sob.

MONICA
We were together for four years. And then one day, I was watching a movie on her iPad, and I saw these texts from her supposed friend that went to the iPad. 

She starts full on crying again.

MONICA
It’s so hard to trust after that, you know? And we only broke up, like, nine months ago.

Karamo nods with deep understanding. Kristy looks devastated. She takes Monica’s hands in hers and looks her in the eyes.

KRISTY
I promise to be worthy of your trust.

Monica smiles through her tears. They kiss. 

KARAMO
Who wants to do some more ropes course?

INT. MARY ANNE’S LIVING ROOM – LATER
KNOCK on the door. Kristy answer it. Jonathan and Claudia stumble in, covered in dirt, side ponytails in disarray. Claudia’s onesie is singed on one side. Jonathan is missing a shoe and part of his onesie’s leg.

KARAMO
BRO. Where have you been?

JONATHAN
(distant)
Uh. You know. Places.

KARAMO
You have five minutes.

JONATHAN
Five minutes. 
(nodding)
Okay.

He takes a deep breath, readjusts his side pony, and straightens up. He pulls out a Caboodle and opens it. He grabs something, jumps up, and prances over to Kristy. She looks genuinely thrilled to be hanging out with him, because who wouldn’t be?

JONATHAN
Well, lucky for you, you are so naturally beautiful, I barely have to do anything.

Kristy beams. 

JONATHAN
Now, the 90s are back. 

KRISTY
(excited)
THAT’S WHAT I SAID.

In the background, Tan buries his head in his hands.

JONATHAN
So, I have a great way to jazz up your ponytail so it’s not so plain Jane anymore.

Kristy nods.

Jonathan puts a butterfly clip in her hair.

JONATHAN
Boop!

He puts another butterfly clip on the other side of her head.

JONATHAN
Boop!

Kristy looks at herself in the mirror and nods. 

KRISTY
Yeah, okay. I can do this.

In the background, Tan throws his arms up in frustration.

EXT. GYM – LATER

The Fab-Mobile pulls up to Kristy’s gym. Now, instead of a tarp for a sign, the word GYM is spelled out in six-foot-tall neon letters. Kristy jumps out of the car.

KRISTY

Holy shit!  There’s a sign!
(pause, confused)

Wait. What were you doing at Mary Anne’s with all that construction stuff?

BOBBY
Keeping you off my scent.

Kristy nods. That totally makes sense.

INT. GYM
At first glance, things look fairly similar to before. 

BOBBY
Yeah, I just figured since you’re clearly in this place for the long-haul, it would be worthwhile to spruce it up a bit. 

KRISTY
(nodding)
I appreciate that.

Bobby points off to the side. Camera PANS over to a wall that is now covered in windows, looking out on a parking lot and some carrion birds pecking at what looks to be the body of a clown.

BOBBY
Look!  Windows!

KRISTY
Holy shit!  It doesn’t look like a dungeon anymore.

BOBBY
Exactly!

KRISTY
(morosely)
But that was part of the ambience.

Awkward silence. Kristy joyfully smacks Bobby’s shoulder.

KRISTY
I’m just joshing with you. This looks great, bro.

BOBBY
So, I have a special surprise for you…

KRISTY
Awesome…

She follows him to the other end of the gym, which has a bunch of curtains hiding it. He drags them away to reveal a darkened area with electronica pumping, filled with a bunch of sweaty people, various cardio equipment, and weights.  A screen showing a color-coded leaderboard hangs on one wall. An intimidating looking INSTRUCTOR with a headset stands in front.

INSTRUCTOR
(barking)
Get. In. The. Orange. Zone!!!

KRISTY
Uh. Who are these people? I’ve literally never seen any of them in my life. Have they signed a waiver yet? 

BOBBY
We got you your very own Orange Theory.

KRISTY
Wait. What?

BOBBY
We realized the way to help you bring your business to the next level is to help you open a franchise of our partner and sponsor, Orange Theory.

KRISTY
I absolutely do not want that. Where are my squat racks?

Bobby purses his lips. He doesn’t know where those went. Whoops.

BOBBY
Have you ever tried Orange Theory?

KRISTY
WHERE ARE MY SQUAT RACKS?

INT. MARY ANNE’S LIVING ROOM – SOME UNDETERMINED TIME LATER
The group stands in the foyeur. Kristy has her arms crossed against her chest, clearly perturbed. Mary Anne and Claudia stand off to the edge, their hands folded in front of them demurely. 

KARAMO
Well, Kristy, we must leave you now.

He holds up his arms for a hug. She reluctantly gives him one.

KARAMO
I believe in you.

KRISTY
(genuinely)
Thanks.
(pause)
Also, you give amazing hugs.

KARAMO
(nods)
It’s a blessing and a curse.

Jonathan walks over and dives in for a hug. Kristy hugs back, because who wouldn’t want to hug JVN?

JONATHAN
I am SO proud of you, boo.

KRISTY
Thanks. I, uh, wish I got to spend more time with you. What exactly did you do with Claudia?

JONATHAN
I’m sorry, boo. What happens in the wardrobe stays in the wardrobe.

KRISTY
That’s what she said. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

Jonathan makes an “I love you” sign to Claudia. She blushes. 

Antoni walks over and holds out a hand. Kristy takes it.

KRISTY
You make good guac, dude.

ANTONI
(nods)
I know.

They fist bump.

Tan comes over. Kristy and he nod at each other conservatively.

TAN
I hope our time together helped.

KRISTY
I learned a lot.

TAN
Good.

KRISTY
Like who knew someone could charge so much for a t-shirt?

TAN
(sighs)
Well, I tried.

They shake hands.

Bobby walks over.  Kristy crosses her arms over her chest.

KRISTY
You’re on my shit list, dude. 

BOBBY
You’re only contracted to keep it for six months!

Kristy glares at him.

BOBBY
What about the windows?

KRISTY
Okay. Fine. Those are nice. Thank you.

She gives him a half-assed hug.

JONATHAN
Now we must let you out of the next, to fly with your own little wings.

He blows a kiss. The Fab Five depart. 

INT. FAB LOFT – EVENING
The Fab Five cluster around a counter, where Antoni is pulling the cover off a container of hummus.

BOBBY
What, no guac?

ANTONI
Yeah, I’m getting a little burnt out on it.

He grabs a bag of Stacy’s Pita Chips and rips it open. Then he scrunches his nose.

ANTONI
Dammit, Tan, you got no salt.

TAN
Thin people have to watch their blood pressure, too.

He gives Antoni a look of parental judgment.

The group plop down on a couch, a few random dogs following Antoni. Karamo turns on a WIDESCREEN TELEVISION, where we see Kristy in her bedroom, sifting through her closet. 

INT. KRISTY’S BEDROOM
She eventually pulls out the Craft Beer t-shirt from earlier.

KRISTY
Who hangs up t-shirts?

INT. FAB LOFT
Bobby smacks his thigh.

BOBBY
THAT’S WHAT I SAY!

TAN
If you want to spend all your time steaming your clothes, then be my guest.

Bobby shakes his head in disbelief.

INT. KRISTY’S BEDROOM
Kristy has opened a drawer and looks at her pants options. She pulls out her old jeans.

INT. FAB LOFT
Tan covers his face with his hands.

TAN
I threw those out! How did she get them?

INT. KRISTY’S BEDROOM – A FEW MOMENTS LATER
Kristy is now dressed, tying the laces on her shoes. She stands up. She is wearing the t-shirt French tucked into a pair of jogger sweatpants.

INT. FAB LOFT

TAN
THOSE WERE FOR GOING TO THE GYM!

ANTONI
I mean, she IS going to the gym right now.

Tan rubs the heels of his palms into his temples. He may implode.

INT. BATHROOM – A FEW MOMENTS LATER
Kristy wets her hair with some water and runs her fingers through it. She pulls it back in a ponytail and adds a couple butterfly clips.

INT. FAB LOFT

JONATHAN
Yassss, queen!

EXT. HOUSE – A FEW MINUTES LATER, EARLY EVENING
Kristy gets into her car and drives away.

EXT. GYM – A FEW MINUTES LATER
Kristy’s car pulls up in the gym parking lot, which is packed with cars. She jumps out, bouncy with excitement. Monica emerges from the passenger side– Kristy must have picked her up on her way over. 

INT. FAB LOFT – SAME TIME
Jonathan leans over and smacks Karamo’s arm playfully. Karamo grins, clearly proud.

JONATHAN
Look at you. You’re like a regular cupid.

KARAMO
Yeah, you know? I think we did a good thing overall.

EXT. GYM
Kristy opens the door for Monica. The two enter.

INT. GYM – SECONDS LATER
Inside, a CROWD of Kristy’s nearest and dearest friends, including Mary Anne and Claudia, as well as STACEY, DAWN, MALLORY, JESSI, and THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS. On one wall hangs a BANNER made of a few white bed sheets sewn together. On it, the word INTERVENTION is painted in bright red paint.

Kristy stops in her tracks, stunned. She looks at Monica. At her friends. At Monica.

INT. FAB LOFT
The Fab Five look at each other, as confused as Kristy. Antoni points at the screen and looks at Karamo.

ANTONI
Did you know about this?

KARAMO
Most definitely not.

INT. GYM
Mary Anne steps out of the group, holding a paper in her hand. She clears her throat.

MARY ANNE
Kristy, it has come to our attention that you are in a very unhealthy relationship, and we are extremely concerned for you.

Monica walks over to one of the new windows, glares at it, starts crying. Kristy walks over to comfort her.  Monica pushes her away. Kristy MURMURS something we can’t hear. Monica shakes her head. Kristy MURMURS something else. 

Monica throws her phone at the window, shattering the glass.

INT. FAB LOFT
Karamo grabs the remote and turns off the TV. He claps his hands together.

KARAMO
So, who wants dinner?

Everybody jumps up from the couch.

CUT TO credits.

CUT TO: QUEER EYE HIP TIP

TAN stands in the middle of an entirely white set.

TAN
Repeat after me: Sweatpants.
(claps his hands)
Are.
(clap)
Not.
(clap)
For.
(clap)
Going.
(clap)
Out.

He crosses his arms across his chest and leans back.

That’s my hip tip.

©2019 Kat Setzer. This page has no affiliation with Ann M. Martin, Scholastic, or any other entity involved with the Baby-Sitters Club Series. Original stock photo of Kristy  ©2019 Victor Koldunov from Adobe Stock Images. Image of Fab Five from Netflix

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